How easy it is to learn to control yourself and your emotions
Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we commit acts in which we later repent. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control over ourselves, so emotions have prevailed over the mind. That is, we did not control emotions, but they were us.
Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the absence of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain composure, and subordinate feelings to their will, as a rule, do not succeed either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.
They spend money thoughtlessly without thinking about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed revenues.
Unrestrained people flare up like a match, in case of any quarrel, they are not able to stop in time and compromise, which deserves the reputation of a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors claim that many diseases have a direct connection with negative emotions such as anger, envy, etc. People who prefer their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.
People who are not used to limiting themselves to spend too much free time in empty amusements and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can fulfill them. It is not surprising that no matter what field they work in, they are rarely professional. And the reason for all is the lack of self-control.
A developed sense of self-control allows in any situation to keep a cool head, sober thoughts, and understanding that feelings can turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.
There are situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes a lion,” said the French commander Napoleon Bonaparte. “The secret … is to understand when to be one, when to be another!”
Self-controlled people deserve respect and authority. On the other hand, too many they seem callous, heartless, “insensitive blockheads” and … incomprehensible. Much more understandable to us are those who from time to time “go into all serious ways”, “break down”, lose control of themselves and commit unpredictable acts! Looking at them, and we seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, to become restrained and strong-willed is not so easy. So we ourselves and reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason, and not feelings, joyless, and therefore unhappy.
The fact that this is not so is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they concluded: people who can overcome themselves and resist the momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are unable to cope with emotions.
The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist at Stanford University. It is also known as the “marshmallow test” because one of its main “heroes” is ordinary marshmallows.
In the experiment conducted in the 60s of the last century, 653 children of 4 years of age participated. They were alternately led into a room where on a table in a plate lay one marshmallow. Each child was told that he can eat it right now, but if he waits 15 minutes, he will get one more, and then he can eat both. Michelle Walter left the child for several minutes alone and then returned. 70% of the children ate one marshmallow before he returned, and only 30 waited for him and received the second. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two more countries where it was conducted.
Michel Walter monitored the fate of his wards and 15 years later came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not give in to the temptation to get “everything now” and were able to control themselves were more trained and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly increases the quality of human life.
Yitzhak Pintosevich, who is called the “trainer of success”, claims that one who does not have control over himself and his actions should forever forget about efficiency.
How to learn to control yourself
1. Recall the “marshmallow test”
30% of 4-year-olds already knew how to control their emotions. This character trait went to them “by nature” or their parents brought up this skill in them.
Someone said: “Do not raise your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself. ” Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, and we ourselves arrange hysteria in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate the willpower in themselves, and they themselves show weak character. We remind you that they must be punctual, and every morning we are late for work.
Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying “weaknesses” – where exactly we allow ourselves to “dissolve”.
2. Components of control
The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for the control to be effective, it should include 3 components:
- Be honest with yourself and not have any illusions about yourself;
- You should control yourself systematically, and not from case to case;
- Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve the problem in such a time. And in order not to leave a loophole for our retreat, we announce this among our colleagues. If we do not meet the stated time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount will serve as a good incentive in order not to be distracted by extraneous matters.
3. We write down the main goals facing us on the sheet and put (or hang) it in a prominent place
Every day we control how much we have managed to advance towards their embodiment.
4. We put things in order in our financial affairs.
We keep loans under control, remember whether we have debts that urgently need to be repaid, we reduce the debt with the loan. Our emotional state is pretty much dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems in this area, the less we will have reasons to “lose our temper.”
5. We observe our reaction to events that cause strong emotions in us and analyze whether they are worth our experiences.
We imagine the worst option and understand that it is not as scary as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.
6. We do the opposite
We were angry with a colleague, and it tempts us to say “a few kind words” to him. Instead, we smile friendly and complimentary. If we were upset that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, don’t be angry, but rejoice for him and wish you a happy journey.
In the morning we were lazy, and the mood is “at zero” – we turn on the music, and take up some business. In a word, we act contrary to what emotion tells us.
7. A famous phrase reads: we cannot change the circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them
Different people surround us, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we meet with someone else’s envy, anger, rudeness. It is necessary to come to terms with what we cannot influence.
8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control – meditation
As physical exercises develop the body, so meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, you can learn to avoid negative emotions, not to succumb to passions that interfere with a sober look at circumstances, and can destroy life. With the help of meditation, a person plunges into a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.